At 2AM in the morning (about 50 minutes ago), my ex-boyfriend texted me to attack me with vicious words, saying he had seen my Tumblr, and proceeding to call me every awful name under the sun. When I begged him to please stop, to leave me alone and show some kindness, he instead threw in my face how he’s been dating and seeing other women, comparing them to me, and threatening to fill me in with the details.
Sadly, this is how he’s always been.
His threats, his aggression — it is absolutely nothing new. He has terrorized me throughout our entire relationship, and even now, after it is 100% over, he continues to play his sick, twisted head games with me.
The reason I am writing this is:
- I am tired of defending him, of being silent about how insane he was, and of constantly being the target for his projected self-loathing. I don’t deserve to be treated this way. Not by him, and not by anyone.
- I know that several young women read my blog who can benefit from this post, and I am taking one for the team — I am standing up for myself so that you can find the courage to stand up for yourselves as well. You are absolutely worth it. Please do not ever allow someone to hurt you like this ever. Please, please have some sense of self-worth and self-respect. Please do not put yourself in a situation like this in the same way I did.
This “man” was abusive both mentally and physically, and spent the majority of our relationship reminding me how worthless I was. He constantly put me down, isolated me from all of my friends, refused to allow me to engage in any sort of contact with other men, would flip out if I wore anything that made me look remotely appealing, was immediately suspicious if I so much as bothered to groom myself, kept me from going anywhere or doing anything without his consent, sabotaged my career, and even now continues to attack me long after we’ve separated to try and resume some form of sick control over me.
I don’t deserve this.
No one does.
For the longest time, I blamed myself for how he acted. I defended him when others pointed out how crazy he was. I caved in to every ridiculous request he made and did everything he asked of me (often times because I was scared of what he would do if I didn’t). I cared about him, so I forgave him constantly, and told myself again and again that he was not a monster, that this was only something he was doing because he suffers from bipolar disorder, and that his myriad of mental diseases are what caused him to act that way. I thought I could help him. I thought I could handle it. And when I couldn’t, I blamed myself. On top of that, he blamed me as well.
His actions drove me into depression and, while we were in the throes of it, caused me to humor the idea of self-harm. And even after it was all over, I was so warped mentally from the isolation and from the entire experience that I actually wanted him to take me back.
It took the dedication and unconditional love of my amazing friends and family to pull me out of my depression, and to help me heal. Every day is a struggle. And being attacked by the very person who caused all of this at 2 in the morning — just when I’ve finally managed to will myself to sleep — is the last thing I need.
Enough is enough.
To my ex, I know you are reading this.
Do not ever contact me again.
Do not ever attack me again.
Do not ever text me to tell me how worthless you think I am, how pathetic you think I am, or to rub in my face that you’ve been sleeping with other women.
If you would like me to list the many things you’ve done to me that would make anybody gasp in horror, I will. If you would like me to reach out to your family to ask them to keep you away from me, to provide them with photos of what you’ve done to me in the past as well as screenshots of the crazy texts you’ve sent me before and send me now, I will. I am tired of being a victim. I am sick of not standing up for myself. I don’t deserve this.
Leave me alone.
You are a monster, and your addiction to abusing me is sickening.
I don’t need this in my life.
You are crazy.
Please, please stay away, and just let me be fucking happy.
PS. To my readers, stay fit. Stay healthy. Stay positive. Continue to surround yourself with supportive and wonderful people, and never allow others to treat you in a way you don’t deserve to be treated. Value yourself. Respect yourself. You are worth it.